Today's Journey: The Breakdown...

10.02.12

Have you ever felt like you are at your breaking point with no where to turn?  Or that you are right on the edge of a big cliff and there is no where to run or hide, the only way out is down? Well that has been me for the last couple of weeks.  I feel like I have been the strong one, the voice of positive reinforcement that things are all going to be okay, that things will turn around.  But I am at my breaking point.  I am standing on the edge of that cliff, and I feel like a big gust of wind is going to come and swoop me over the edge....and there is no one to catch me.

My other half came down to have lunch- granted he comes down because I think it helps with his sanity being a new "stay at home dad."  Which is fine (except we can't really afford it- but we can't really afford anything these days) except when he leaves it is harder for me to let go of the baby, and to kiss him goodbye.  I just want to play, to hold him, to kiss, him and love him (the baby- not my other half- lol).  It is just rough, and not to mention the fact that my other half and I have been at each others throats lately.  He is so negative, and down in the dumps, and damn near depressed.  I am trying to be strong, but I am on the verge of a major meltdown.  I know the job market sucks, and I know that we have no money, and no I do not know how I am going to make the rent payment, but damn it- we will figure it out somehow!  But today after he left, and we had of course, not argued, but had an intense conversation, I came back upstairs to my office and closed the door behind me and could not fight the tears back anymore.  It was just a down pour, a flood, an overwhelming feeling of despair.  Like the world is going to end, like we are in a hole that is getting deeper by the minute, and there is not a peak of sunlight coming through the window.  But after about a minute of these overwhelming feelings I fought back the tears, I wiped my face clean, and I took a deep breath.  I am not ready to breakdown.  I am not ready to give up hope.  I can't! If I fall into this hole with him, we may never get out.  What good is it going to do us if we are both negative, and if we both give up?  None!  But honestly...I am not sure how much longer I can fight back the tears.  I just do not know how much longer I can hold off this major meltdown that is getting ready to take place....My body is starting to breakdown, and I feel like I am getting sick.  My head hurts, my stomach is always in knots, and I just feel weak.  I don't know how much longer I can fight, until it all comes crashing down....

Today's Journey: Rolling With the Punches...

09.24.12
Have you ever had something bad happen in your life, and the weight of it was overbearing?  Then after it happened it seemed like the negativity, the pressure, and the bad stuff just wouldn't go away?  Well that seems to be the story of my life lately.  I think that the song by Pistol Annies best fits this scenario, "Housewife's Prayer." Part of the song goes, "I've been thinking about setting my house on fire, can't see no way out of the mess I'm in, and the bills keep getting higher."  That is a perfect description of how I feel some days.  It just seems like life has this way of snowballing one bad thing on top of another.  My other half recently lost his job, well I guess I should explain in more detail.  He was fired, then got his job back.  Then the next day he quit, then he got his job back.  Then he found a new job- so he never went back.  Hope you are still following me.  SO he got a new job, and we were very excited.  It was not more money, but a step up in advancement, and the opportunity was much greater.  I was thrilled.  He had been unhappy for so long that it was just his time to get out of the place he was working and go somewhere new, fresh start.  Well that happiness lasted a whole day and a half when he realized that he was not comfortable, and afraid that he was  not going to pick up the new job fast enough.  I guess the store manager (a 24 year old kid) felt the same way and pretty much demoted him to a tech after a day and a half.  Well from that point on he was treated like an idiot and like he did not know what he was doing.  He worked 6 days that week getting treated like crap, and after long talks, and much debate he went back to work on Monday and was let go as soon as he walked in the door.  Back to the drawing board we went.

Another line in the song is "I been thinking about going off the deep end, my man can't get no overtime, and the baby ain't been sleeping." Another true statement for me.  I feel like I am going to lose my mind.  I am working full time, I have school work, the baby, my 10 year old, the household chores, and just life in general to deal with.  It has just been crazy.  I don't know what has kept me sane, but luckily I am pretty strong, and I have gotten through it.  I think I may still end up having or needing to just breakdown and get it out of my system.  But not yet......

Today's Journey: Finding the help.....

Where do you go to get help?  How do you find the answers? What do you do when you want to change and you just do not know where to start? These are the questions of the day.  From financial help, to help with weight loss, to help managing your time- where do we turn.  I am so tired of google-ing my questions and reading blog, after blog, after blog, trying to find the answers that everyone else seems to have.  Why is everything so difficult?  Why can't it just be easy?  I do not know where to turn.  I can't seem to get ahead with my finances.  Shit, half the time I can not afford to pay my bills.  I have a spiral notebook that I create a budget every 2 weeks.  But the main problem is- I do not follow it.  If I followed it to the "t" we could scrape by, but we are the epitome of living "paycheck to paycheck." And half of the time we are living paycheck to 2 paychecks away.  I just need some help getting caught up, I need help figuring out where I can make cuts, and yet still have a semi-normal life.  We do not go out, we do not drink, I mean we are "home-bodies." But yet we struggle.  Where can I get help?  I have no idea.

Then weight loss- I have tried it all, but then it leads up to the fact that I cannot afford to buy all healthy items.  We are living cheap, I mean pastas, pizza, and hot dogs.  The cheapest meals you can think of.  So what do I do to lose weight.  On top of that- where do I have the time?  I get up at 5:45am, I get ready for work, I get the baby ready for daycare, I get my daughter up and out the door for the bus.  I am out the door at 7am, I drop off the baby, and I go to work.  I am at work till 5pm, I pick up the baby we are home by 6pm.  We unpack the daily use bags, we start dinner, feed the baby, clean the kitchen, give the baby a bath, and then get him to bed usually between 8-9pm.  Then I take my shower, put on a load of laundry, and start my homework so I am to bed usually around 11pm.  And that is an easy night- when I do not have to stop for gas, or stop at the grocery store.

And that leads to the time management- who has the time to even figure out how to manage their time?  I know I don't.

Why does everything have to be so fricken hard?? How do we get through it?  And when do we get a break?  I guess we will get a break when we figure out how to give ourselves one....

Today's Journey: Deciphering the Hidden Code...

It just amazes me the hidden, secret code that spills out of people's mouths.  I call it bullshit excuses.  They call it, truth.  For some people it is always something.  Something bad happened, they had a hard day, they are tired, they partied too hard.  It is always something.  The car broke down, they don't have any money, blah, blah, blah.  It sounds like bullshit to me.  It sounds like they are looking for someone to feel sorry for them, they are looking for attention.  Why do people feel the need to make up excuses for EVERYTHING? Why can't they just call it like it is?  Just own up for your bullshit.  You spent too much money at the store, or you stayed up too late, or you didn't change the oil in the car and now the engine is fucked.

Own it people- let me tell you how to start, "I fucked up, I forgot to ___________, and now it is broken."

If I make a mistake I am the first one to admit it (unless it is to my significant other, he has to prove it :)).  I know that I spent too much last weekend at the grocery store, and I know that I should not have paid $20 for that mascara.  But you know what we deal with it and we move on.  Why is it always someone else's fault that you are a broke ass?  Why is there always an excuse as to why you can't get to work on time, or your bank account is overdrawn?  I am so sick of all the excuses!  Cowboy up people!  Grow a pair and say what you really think, or tell it like it really is! I am not perfect, by no means am I perfect, but I have no problem telling you that.  Why can't you?

Today's Journey: So You Think You Know About Being A Mommy???

Have you ever had one of those friends that think they know everything about parenting?  They have experienced it all, they have soo much experience in everything that they do, or everything that happens to everyone around them they have the remedy for?

Well I do (of course I do or I would not be writing this post huh?) and let me tell you about a nerve she struck with me recently.  It has to do with kids.  Now I have 2, my daughter is 10 and my son is 7 months.  And let me tell you being a parent is hard work, it has it's ups and downs, and it is not a job for everyone.  Now it is partially my fault, for letting this bother me, but she made a post on a social networking site that said something along the lines of "OMG I have never met a brattier 5 year old, he is sure lucky that I ain't his momma."  Now okay, I get that sometimes you can go places and realize that some parents have a harder time with their kids than others.  Makes you thankful for what you have.  But it is not easy.  I especially know that for us working moms, that have our kids in daycare, that just makes the road of parenting that much harder- because we are not with our kids all day, everyday.  So teaching them, training them, and keeping them on a schedule and filling their brains with knowledge and understanding of right and wrong behavior is tough.  So I get that sometimes in the store when you walk by a mom struggling to keep her child in the grocery cart sitting down, or teaching them to not touch everything, and to stop screaming can be a unruly sight for some.  But as a mom, I know that sometimes, it happens.  So reading that post kid of made me stop and go okay, she does not have kids, she doesn't get it.  No big deal.  But it was when the next post came up, that I truly was offended and wanted to go off on her.  It read "I have never wanted to taze a 5 year old more than I do right now." I read this, and then I re-read it.  I could not believe that someone would even go public and say something like that!  Now that is definitely the mommy in me!  I of course at this point had to chime in.  I responded with "you know I get that some kids appear to be brats.  But making comments like that about them is a little off wouldn't you say?  I mean if a child is acting out, it is more to blame on the parents that have let the child behave that away, and think that it is okay."  I got a response of "no, if you had seen how obnoxious this kid was you would understand."  Then on the tazing comment- I went with "wow, I never thought that I would hear a comment like that from you.  I just do not think again that you can blame a child this young for his or her actions.  It is the parents you should be upset with. Maybe when you have kids someday you will see how this comment is just a little off."  This time she was a little more pissed off that I was saying that, so I got a response of "I have helped raise a child,and I would never let my child act that away. So I do know what it is like and children do know better."  I just made a final comment of we shall agree to disagree, I should have just kept my mouth shut. It has not been commented on since.

Here  is another quick story for you, to show you the stupid things people say- that do not have kids, and how it shocks the system.  When I went into my old daycare, to pick up my son one afternoon the girl in there I knew, but she was not a regular in the infant room.  So I went in, picked up my son, trying to steal all those slobbery kisses and I asked her how his day was.  Her response, "Oh it was pretty good, he cried a little, and I only wanted to drop kick him once."  My shock and stun left me speechless.  I will never forget that comment, and I will never get over it.  There are just somethings that you should never say- and a REAL MOM would NEVER say something like this!

I just think that when you have children that it is A LOT different from when you help raise one.  Being available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, where your entire world revolves around them, and everything you do, you do for them or because of them- is a lot different than helping raise a child.  Being a parent is a full time job, and it is not easy- so why are people so quick to judge- when they have no idea what it is really like, and what it takes to wear the title "MOM."  A real mom would never make a comment about hurting a child, and a real mom stands up to those who do.  In my world, my son is at a new daycare, and that friend that made the tazing comment- DELETED!

Today's Journey: Snitching...

Have you ever been put into a situation where you have told on someone, and by doing so you have put their  job, or school work, or livelihood in jeopardy? I have- and most recently just yesterday.  You know when you have small children and you put them in daycare you pay for a service, and you expect them to follow the guidelines that you have laid out so that they can care for your child the same way that you would do so.  But when things go wrong, and things are done excuse after excuse is given.  Okay, so let me break this down- I pay a daycare facility to take care of my son.  I do not have state assistance or some discounted rate- I pay full price.  He is almost 7 months old- so it is expensive.  Anyways, my son has acid reflux.  So when he eats it is very important to keep him upright for a period of time afterwards so that he can properly digest his food, and if it is not done he will spit up, and sometimes he will spit up alot.  So it is important that this is done.  So that is one of my requests, I do not think that it is too much to ask.  The other thing that you expect when you take your child to a daycare facility is that they can kind of tell you about his day.  Was he cranky today, did he have his hand in his mouth alot because he is teething?  Was he in a good mood, and he played alot?  Did he eat alot today or did he not seem hungry?  Did he spit up all over his clothes again?  Nope- too much information I guess.  So when I go in for the 6th day in a row, and he is in a different outfit because he spit up all over himself, because you didn't follow my instructions, I am supposed to be okay with that?  I am supposed to pay out all this money for you to continue to ruin his clothes because he spits up on them, and you just throw them in a baggie and can't even rinse them out?  So by the time I get home, they are stained and ruined- I am supposed to be okay with that?? I think not!! How about asking the parent if they are okay with your almost 7 month old eating french fries? Should they ask for my permission?  Yes- they should.  But did they- NO!  Did they ask me if it was okay for them to post a picture of my son on Facebook?  No!  I tried to shrug it off and not over react.  But it has been bothering me, and eating away at me.

You know I thought I was doing right by friending some of these people that work at his daycare on Facebook.  WOW was that a mistake!  I thought well maybe it would be nice to get to know them a little better, and understand what kind of people are there watching my son.  The things I read, and the truth that I discovered about them, makes my stomach turn.  It is scarey to me! So with all of this, I have decided to pull my son out of this daycare.  We are following their policies, and we put in our 2 week notice- but we are done.  Over it and done.  I can not take the risk with them that they are going to feed him something that hurts him, or that they are not giving him the care that he needs and deserves.  Now I know that by putting in our 2 week notice and talking to them that I have put some asses on the line, and it could cost them their job.  Unfortunately, you have poked at this momma bear long enough that she is striking back.  

Today's Journey: Dreams...

You know when I was young I never had big dreams for myself.  I always thought that I would just end up some executive or CEO of a big company and survive.  I never thought that I would want to be a doctor, or a lawyer, or own my own company.  I guess it was safer that away.  The fewer and the not so extravagant the dreams the less you have to let yourself down with.  I have never been a size 2, nor did I ever want to be.  I have always been just a mediocre standards kind of girl.  I never thought about my wedding day, and dreamed of how special it would be.  I never had dreams of a "dream house" and the husband and family that I would have.  I never had that timeline of "I have to have the career by the time I am 28 and the husband by 29 and we can start a family at 30."  That was never me.

But as I get older and I have done things completely out of order according to society I tend to find myself dreaming more and more.  I went to college straight after high school, for a year, then decided I had to take a break.  I found myself pregnant at the age of 20, worked at a car dealership (basically as a receptionist), and then I went to work at a pizza joint.  I had her at 21, and had an off and on relationship with her father, until just before she turned 1.  Then I went to work at a towing company, a landscaping company, the courts, and then some.  I finally went back to school when my daughter was 7, and finished my bachelors degree when she was 9.  Once I had finally accomplished that I found myself dreaming of what I really want to do with my life, what I want to be when I grow up.  For some reason the idea of becoming a lawyer does not seem so far fetched anymore.  I find myself wondering about the feeling of going into court and defending someone, and the fact that it would allow me to fight for what is right, and boy do I love that idea. But not only that but I find myself dreaming of my "dream home."  I think that the biggest kicker of all is that my dream home is not in the state of Arizona.

I have been here for the majority of my life, and I like it- but I am kind of over it.  I want a change.  I can see my dream house somewhere cooler, somewhere with lots of trees, and woods, and water.  I can picture it all.  But why am I having these feelings now?  Is it too late for me to make such drastic changes?  Then if I really want to make these changes- how do I do it?  I mean the idea of moving sucks, but how do you do it?  Do you find the job first, research the schools, save the money?  Then how long and how much is the right amount to save?  I mean I see so many of my friends from high school, working in their dream job (at least they portray it that away), driving these fancy cars, living in their fancy houses, with all their fancy gadgets and toys (boats, 4 wheelers, campers), and their families and I wonder how the hell they got there?  Where did I go wrong?  and what am I still doing wrong?  I work my ass off 40-50 hours a week, plus everything else in my life that I do, and I can not for the life of me figure out what I am missing?  What is the key ingredient that they have that I do not?  Parents! That is the biggest difference I see.  So many of them have mommy and daddy that have helped them through school, that have forked out money for that car, or that boat, or helped with the down payment of that house.  I do not have that, never have, and never will.  So does this mean that I will never be able to reach my dreams- damn I hope not.  I hope that it just means that it is going to take a little bit longer to get there....Law school, I think so.  House, the car, the kids, the dreams- I think so...someday....

Today's Journey: Just learning to keep up...

Have you ever had one of those days where you feel like time is just flying by and you just cannot seem to get everything accomplished that you want or need to get done?  I do, in fact I do EVERYDAY! I get up, I get ready to go to work, I get the kids ready for school, or daycare, I am trying to make sure the kitchen is clean, that we have everything together for the day, that something is laid out for dinner, etc.  We get in the car, we race off to work, drop the kids off, and then go to work an 8 hour day.  Plus trying to run to the grocery store to grab something that I forgot I needed, or to the bank, or to the gym to try and squeeze in an hour long workout.  Then back to work to finish out the day- maybe having to stop at the post office or the store, or the gas station on the way home.  Once we get home it is 6pm or later.  Then it is time to make dinner, feed the baby, and bathe him, and get him to bed.  While talking to my daughter about her day, and my other half about his day.  Then get the laundry in the dryer, get the kitchen cleaned up again and off to shower for me.  Then after all that and things are quiet- I can start my homework.  It just seems like there is never enough time.  At the end of the day I always feel myself rushed, and crazy.  I am making lists for the next day, things that I did not accomplish that I need to do- so that the next day I am having to do it all over again.  Where does the madness stop- what do we have to do to make things just a little bit easier?  Is there a way?  How do we keep up with these crazy busy lifestyles that we have chosen to lead?  And then why do we do it to ourselves? Is it really worth it in the end?  Will these decisions make a difference in our future?

Today's Journey: Keeping it gangsta...

You know back in high school, I think it actually started in middle school, I thought I was "hard" or gangsta. I lived in Albuquerque and even though I lived on the nice side of town and went to the good schools my parents worked on the other side of town. It was a rougher neighborhood, and it definitely was more "hood." this is where I really grew up, I mean it is where we spent ALL of our time. So my brother and I acquired this persona that we were hood or gangsta. And when we moved back to Tucson, AZ we still had that image we were trying to uphold. It took a while but I think for the most part we grew out of it. Now don't get me wrong we are still the type to fight, and throw down if we have to, or to protect our own- but we don't walk around trying to portray the image of something we are not. I mean everyone is willing to fight for what is right, in some way.  But I have to say that I am soooo sick of all these little girls walking around like a little prissy princess, yet they try and talk like they are so hard! Always, always got something to say. They constantly run their mouths talking shit about other people. You know posting your rant session and talking crazy amounts of shit on Facebook does not make you hard. Saying things on Facebook like "ride or die," "my down ass bitches," "I am gonna beat so and so's ass" does not make you a gangsta! Just because you go and target practice and take ridiculous pictures of yourself mishandling a gun, being irresponsible does not make you a gangsta!

I think that the scariest part about that is that they have kids. Yeah you are tough- what a great role model! To top it all off you are trying to teach your kids to be "hard" too! I get teaching your children to defend themselves and to not get pushed around- but there is a right way and a wrong way to do this. Teaching them to push back and hit back is not always the answer. I get that it might happen and that you don't want your kids to be weak- but there are other ways too. It is not always the best route to tell them it is okay if someone is being mean to them! I'm just saying- think before you speak. Shaping young minds like that will only lead to trouble in the future. That is just my opinion. So to all the wannabe gangsters and those that think their life is so hardcore, I hope somebody knocks you down a few pegs and shows you that you might not be as tough as you think you are. And I hope your kids grow up and laugh at you!

Today's Journey: Keeping your composure...

You know I pride myself in knowing when the right time to speak up is and when it is time to just keep your cool.  But sometimes it is just sooooo hard to remember that fine line.  When I dropped my 6 month old off at daycare this morning the teacher in the infant room preceded to tell me about how my son was staring at her the other day while she was eating her lunch (which is not supposed to be done in the room mind you) so  to get him to stop staring at her, she gave him a french fry.  Now let me first reiterate the fact that he is 6 months old, and should not be eating french fries- but part of the fun of being a mom is that you get to experience those firsts with your kids.  I want to be there when he takes his first step, when he says his first word, and when he eats his first fricken french fry.  I know it may seem like a little thing, and we should not let the little things get to us but all these little things add up.  Today I was able to keep my cool, until I got in the car, then I was livid, and screaming- but not there, not in front of my son- I did not lose my cool! Even though I really, really wanted too!! I called my other half and was yelling in the phone.  Now granted this is not the first issue I have had with this daycare- but I think that today might have been the straw that broke the camels back.  Time to find a new daycare!

About me

Hi all, my name is Karen and I am a 31 year old, mom of 2 (Jade- 10 years old, and Micah 6 months old).  I live with my significant other of almost 8 years, Jason.  I work full time as an accountant for a local truck driver training school, and I just started back to school to work on my Masters degree in Business.  Life has taken me and my family on all sorts of journeys and I thought that by starting a blog that it would be a good way for me to get some of these out in the open, and off my chest.  I am so sick of seeing some of the bullshit that goes on around me and I need another way to talk about it, other than at home venting it all off on my other half.  So we shall give this a go, and see how it works out!!