You know when I was young I never had big dreams for myself. I always thought that I would just end up some executive or CEO of a big company and survive. I never thought that I would want to be a doctor, or a lawyer, or own my own company. I guess it was safer that away. The fewer and the not so extravagant the dreams the less you have to let yourself down with. I have never been a size 2, nor did I ever want to be. I have always been just a mediocre standards kind of girl. I never thought about my wedding day, and dreamed of how special it would be. I never had dreams of a "dream house" and the husband and family that I would have. I never had that timeline of "I have to have the career by the time I am 28 and the husband by 29 and we can start a family at 30." That was never me.
But as I get older and I have done things completely out of order according to society I tend to find myself dreaming more and more. I went to college straight after high school, for a year, then decided I had to take a break. I found myself pregnant at the age of 20, worked at a car dealership (basically as a receptionist), and then I went to work at a pizza joint. I had her at 21, and had an off and on relationship with her father, until just before she turned 1. Then I went to work at a towing company, a landscaping company, the courts, and then some. I finally went back to school when my daughter was 7, and finished my bachelors degree when she was 9. Once I had finally accomplished that I found myself dreaming of what I really want to do with my life, what I want to be when I grow up. For some reason the idea of becoming a lawyer does not seem so far fetched anymore. I find myself wondering about the feeling of going into court and defending someone, and the fact that it would allow me to fight for what is right, and boy do I love that idea. But not only that but I find myself dreaming of my "dream home." I think that the biggest kicker of all is that my dream home is not in the state of Arizona.
I have been here for the majority of my life, and I like it- but I am kind of over it. I want a change. I can see my dream house somewhere cooler, somewhere with lots of trees, and woods, and water. I can picture it all. But why am I having these feelings now? Is it too late for me to make such drastic changes? Then if I really want to make these changes- how do I do it? I mean the idea of moving sucks, but how do you do it? Do you find the job first, research the schools, save the money? Then how long and how much is the right amount to save? I mean I see so many of my friends from high school, working in their dream job (at least they portray it that away), driving these fancy cars, living in their fancy houses, with all their fancy gadgets and toys (boats, 4 wheelers, campers), and their families and I wonder how the hell they got there? Where did I go wrong? and what am I still doing wrong? I work my ass off 40-50 hours a week, plus everything else in my life that I do, and I can not for the life of me figure out what I am missing? What is the key ingredient that they have that I do not? Parents! That is the biggest difference I see. So many of them have mommy and daddy that have helped them through school, that have forked out money for that car, or that boat, or helped with the down payment of that house. I do not have that, never have, and never will. So does this mean that I will never be able to reach my dreams- damn I hope not. I hope that it just means that it is going to take a little bit longer to get there....Law school, I think so. House, the car, the kids, the dreams- I think so...someday....
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