10.02.12
Have you ever felt like you are at your breaking point with no where to turn? Or that you are right on the edge of a big cliff and there is no where to run or hide, the only way out is down? Well that has been me for the last couple of weeks. I feel like I have been the strong one, the voice of positive reinforcement that things are all going to be okay, that things will turn around. But I am at my breaking point. I am standing on the edge of that cliff, and I feel like a big gust of wind is going to come and swoop me over the edge....and there is no one to catch me.
My other half came down to have lunch- granted he comes down because I think it helps with his sanity being a new "stay at home dad." Which is fine (except we can't really afford it- but we can't really afford anything these days) except when he leaves it is harder for me to let go of the baby, and to kiss him goodbye. I just want to play, to hold him, to kiss, him and love him (the baby- not my other half- lol). It is just rough, and not to mention the fact that my other half and I have been at each others throats lately. He is so negative, and down in the dumps, and damn near depressed. I am trying to be strong, but I am on the verge of a major meltdown. I know the job market sucks, and I know that we have no money, and no I do not know how I am going to make the rent payment, but damn it- we will figure it out somehow! But today after he left, and we had of course, not argued, but had an intense conversation, I came back upstairs to my office and closed the door behind me and could not fight the tears back anymore. It was just a down pour, a flood, an overwhelming feeling of despair. Like the world is going to end, like we are in a hole that is getting deeper by the minute, and there is not a peak of sunlight coming through the window. But after about a minute of these overwhelming feelings I fought back the tears, I wiped my face clean, and I took a deep breath. I am not ready to breakdown. I am not ready to give up hope. I can't! If I fall into this hole with him, we may never get out. What good is it going to do us if we are both negative, and if we both give up? None! But honestly...I am not sure how much longer I can fight back the tears. I just do not know how much longer I can hold off this major meltdown that is getting ready to take place....My body is starting to breakdown, and I feel like I am getting sick. My head hurts, my stomach is always in knots, and I just feel weak. I don't know how much longer I can fight, until it all comes crashing down....
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