10.02.12
Have you ever felt like you are at your breaking point with no where to turn? Or that you are right on the edge of a big cliff and there is no where to run or hide, the only way out is down? Well that has been me for the last couple of weeks. I feel like I have been the strong one, the voice of positive reinforcement that things are all going to be okay, that things will turn around. But I am at my breaking point. I am standing on the edge of that cliff, and I feel like a big gust of wind is going to come and swoop me over the edge....and there is no one to catch me.
My other half came down to have lunch- granted he comes down because I think it helps with his sanity being a new "stay at home dad." Which is fine (except we can't really afford it- but we can't really afford anything these days) except when he leaves it is harder for me to let go of the baby, and to kiss him goodbye. I just want to play, to hold him, to kiss, him and love him (the baby- not my other half- lol). It is just rough, and not to mention the fact that my other half and I have been at each others throats lately. He is so negative, and down in the dumps, and damn near depressed. I am trying to be strong, but I am on the verge of a major meltdown. I know the job market sucks, and I know that we have no money, and no I do not know how I am going to make the rent payment, but damn it- we will figure it out somehow! But today after he left, and we had of course, not argued, but had an intense conversation, I came back upstairs to my office and closed the door behind me and could not fight the tears back anymore. It was just a down pour, a flood, an overwhelming feeling of despair. Like the world is going to end, like we are in a hole that is getting deeper by the minute, and there is not a peak of sunlight coming through the window. But after about a minute of these overwhelming feelings I fought back the tears, I wiped my face clean, and I took a deep breath. I am not ready to breakdown. I am not ready to give up hope. I can't! If I fall into this hole with him, we may never get out. What good is it going to do us if we are both negative, and if we both give up? None! But honestly...I am not sure how much longer I can fight back the tears. I just do not know how much longer I can hold off this major meltdown that is getting ready to take place....My body is starting to breakdown, and I feel like I am getting sick. My head hurts, my stomach is always in knots, and I just feel weak. I don't know how much longer I can fight, until it all comes crashing down....
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Today's Journey: Rolling With the Punches...
09.24.12
Have you ever had something bad happen in your life, and the weight of it was overbearing? Then after it happened it seemed like the negativity, the pressure, and the bad stuff just wouldn't go away? Well that seems to be the story of my life lately. I think that the song by Pistol Annies best fits this scenario, "Housewife's Prayer." Part of the song goes, "I've been thinking about setting my house on fire, can't see no way out of the mess I'm in, and the bills keep getting higher." That is a perfect description of how I feel some days. It just seems like life has this way of snowballing one bad thing on top of another. My other half recently lost his job, well I guess I should explain in more detail. He was fired, then got his job back. Then the next day he quit, then he got his job back. Then he found a new job- so he never went back. Hope you are still following me. SO he got a new job, and we were very excited. It was not more money, but a step up in advancement, and the opportunity was much greater. I was thrilled. He had been unhappy for so long that it was just his time to get out of the place he was working and go somewhere new, fresh start. Well that happiness lasted a whole day and a half when he realized that he was not comfortable, and afraid that he was not going to pick up the new job fast enough. I guess the store manager (a 24 year old kid) felt the same way and pretty much demoted him to a tech after a day and a half. Well from that point on he was treated like an idiot and like he did not know what he was doing. He worked 6 days that week getting treated like crap, and after long talks, and much debate he went back to work on Monday and was let go as soon as he walked in the door. Back to the drawing board we went.
Another line in the song is "I been thinking about going off the deep end, my man can't get no overtime, and the baby ain't been sleeping." Another true statement for me. I feel like I am going to lose my mind. I am working full time, I have school work, the baby, my 10 year old, the household chores, and just life in general to deal with. It has just been crazy. I don't know what has kept me sane, but luckily I am pretty strong, and I have gotten through it. I think I may still end up having or needing to just breakdown and get it out of my system. But not yet......
Have you ever had something bad happen in your life, and the weight of it was overbearing? Then after it happened it seemed like the negativity, the pressure, and the bad stuff just wouldn't go away? Well that seems to be the story of my life lately. I think that the song by Pistol Annies best fits this scenario, "Housewife's Prayer." Part of the song goes, "I've been thinking about setting my house on fire, can't see no way out of the mess I'm in, and the bills keep getting higher." That is a perfect description of how I feel some days. It just seems like life has this way of snowballing one bad thing on top of another. My other half recently lost his job, well I guess I should explain in more detail. He was fired, then got his job back. Then the next day he quit, then he got his job back. Then he found a new job- so he never went back. Hope you are still following me. SO he got a new job, and we were very excited. It was not more money, but a step up in advancement, and the opportunity was much greater. I was thrilled. He had been unhappy for so long that it was just his time to get out of the place he was working and go somewhere new, fresh start. Well that happiness lasted a whole day and a half when he realized that he was not comfortable, and afraid that he was not going to pick up the new job fast enough. I guess the store manager (a 24 year old kid) felt the same way and pretty much demoted him to a tech after a day and a half. Well from that point on he was treated like an idiot and like he did not know what he was doing. He worked 6 days that week getting treated like crap, and after long talks, and much debate he went back to work on Monday and was let go as soon as he walked in the door. Back to the drawing board we went.
Another line in the song is "I been thinking about going off the deep end, my man can't get no overtime, and the baby ain't been sleeping." Another true statement for me. I feel like I am going to lose my mind. I am working full time, I have school work, the baby, my 10 year old, the household chores, and just life in general to deal with. It has just been crazy. I don't know what has kept me sane, but luckily I am pretty strong, and I have gotten through it. I think I may still end up having or needing to just breakdown and get it out of my system. But not yet......
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