Life Journey: The Transformation

So I have always been a big girl, I have never been a size 2. Not that I want to be a size 2, but I would like to be normal, healthy, and active. I am a yo-yo dieter, I am a person that gives up, that starts something and never finishes. Well I used to be that way...but now I want more. Over the last couple of years, I finally learned the feeling of accomplishment. I went back to school and I got my Bachelors degree, and I am now working on my Masters. Something that my family never thought they would see from me. I even want to go to law school when I finish my Masters....go figure. I have committed, and I want it so bad. Now I am back on the yo-yo trip. But this time I want it to be different. Recently I read Chris Powell's book "Choose to Lose More For Life." And can I just say that it has really brought some things into perspective for me. I want this-I want to change, I want to be better. Growing up my family ate, and we ate a lot. My dad was a big guy, and when my grandparents, and my aunt and uncle were around- we ate. And we never sat around eating healthy stuff, pizza, pasta, and junk....and that is what I knew. But at the same time that this was going on, my dad would make comments to me that I was too big, or fat, and he would make fun of me for eating- when he was the one that taught me those habits. On top of that we never had a lot of money. And today- still the same problems go on. We don't eat great, I cook, but cooking healthy for a family, and trying to go to school, and work, and taking care of the kids and the house....not easy. But after reading Chris's book- I decided that this is not the life I want to lead, this is not the life I want for my family. I want more! I don't want to miss out on life, on my family...so I am going to do it! I have decided that my transformation starts now (well actually it started July 1st, 2013), but the time is now. Time for change, time for commitment, time for a better me! I know I can- I just have to find my way. And that road to discovery is now. I CAN DO IT, I BELIEVE IN ME, I WANT THIS, I GOT THIS! July 1, 2014- me 115 pounds lighter! Here we go!

Today's Journey: Picking my Battles

Today was just an ordinary day. Got up, did some running around, and then we decided to make the 45 minute trek down to visit my mom and step-dad (mainly because my Aunt was there visiting). What started off as good, quickly turned into animosity and irritation! Now don't get it twisted, I love my mother. But she gets under my skin, as I am sure Lot of mothers do. My 18 month old son has never been swimming, or in a pool for that matter, so today was the big "first time" in the pool. Yes, I have another child, an I have been through this before, but for my other half, it was important that we both be there, and we both go through my 18month olds fist time together. As we were getting ready to hit the water, I remind my mom to not get him in the water until we get out there. So I get some smart ass comment back like "I know what I am doing, he wants to get in." Then from behind her comes the smart ass comment from her husband- "oh he's fine, we can get him in the pool." I was furious, to say the least. So I changed, and as I was ready to go out my mom came back in the house for something and I unleashed! I just wanted her to understand how this was an important first for us as parents, and I wanted her to respect that. We be termed back and forth her point that I treat he like she doesn't know what she is doing with my kids (which I obviously do- I mean I came out alright:)) and my point that I want to be respected as a parent, as an adult who knows what I am doing and what I want for my kids. We got not where- the conversation/argument ended with the "whatever's" and we want on about our afternoon. It was a waste of time- I should have thought out my words and my thoughts more before starting a battle. Point in case- pick your battles, and make sure that what you are fixing to battle about with someone is worth it! The other part of that- is make sure that if you plan on battling or challenging someone that the person you are up against is someone that you are not going to permanently scar the relationship, because sometimes in a battle/argument the words start falling out of your mouth, uncontrollably, and those are usually the ones that cut the lowest, and hurt the worst. I was careful with my words today, but that might have just been luck on my side....

Today's Journey: Keeping up the Fight

Wow, it has been a while since I have posted but I felt the urge today. It is the urge to stand up and fight again. My other half and I, well we are still going strong. Still struggling, but still fighting. I am tired, worn down, and sometimes I feel broken. But I am still willing to fight. That has to be the first step to success- never give up the fight. Since the last time I posted we have moved, my boss passed away, I have a new boss, we are still having financial difficulties, and our families are driving us crazy- but we are still fighting. I have taken up "pinning" off of Pinterest. OMG I am addicted, and there are so many things that I want to try. Some of them I already have, and others I will. It is exciting to be able to try new things, and exciting to let my crafty side show. I just love it. It has been nice, since we are BROKE, to be able to stay home and come up with crafty, creative ways to entertain ourselves. And the kids seem to enjoy it! I am still going to school and working full time. The kids and the homework still keep me VERY busy. But I have decided that I need to make goals. When I say that I mean like date specific, hard core goals. Like losing weight. How much and by what date? Then with school- I am going to finish my masters degree in about a year and a half- then what? What kind of job do I want? Am I going to continue on in school? Am I really going to go to law school? These are all things that I need to make decisions on. Then my other half and I keep talking about moving, out of state, going somewhere new. But where, and how do you decide where? Lastly, we have been talking off and on about buying a house. We keep saying that our main goal is to buy a house and be somewhere steady and stable by the time our son starts school. Can we even do that, is it possible? I am not sure...... Everyday I have to fight back the overwhelming feeling to give up, the feeling of defeat, the feeling that things will never get better....but I keep fighting!

Today's Journey: The Breakdown...

10.02.12

Have you ever felt like you are at your breaking point with no where to turn?  Or that you are right on the edge of a big cliff and there is no where to run or hide, the only way out is down? Well that has been me for the last couple of weeks.  I feel like I have been the strong one, the voice of positive reinforcement that things are all going to be okay, that things will turn around.  But I am at my breaking point.  I am standing on the edge of that cliff, and I feel like a big gust of wind is going to come and swoop me over the edge....and there is no one to catch me.

My other half came down to have lunch- granted he comes down because I think it helps with his sanity being a new "stay at home dad."  Which is fine (except we can't really afford it- but we can't really afford anything these days) except when he leaves it is harder for me to let go of the baby, and to kiss him goodbye.  I just want to play, to hold him, to kiss, him and love him (the baby- not my other half- lol).  It is just rough, and not to mention the fact that my other half and I have been at each others throats lately.  He is so negative, and down in the dumps, and damn near depressed.  I am trying to be strong, but I am on the verge of a major meltdown.  I know the job market sucks, and I know that we have no money, and no I do not know how I am going to make the rent payment, but damn it- we will figure it out somehow!  But today after he left, and we had of course, not argued, but had an intense conversation, I came back upstairs to my office and closed the door behind me and could not fight the tears back anymore.  It was just a down pour, a flood, an overwhelming feeling of despair.  Like the world is going to end, like we are in a hole that is getting deeper by the minute, and there is not a peak of sunlight coming through the window.  But after about a minute of these overwhelming feelings I fought back the tears, I wiped my face clean, and I took a deep breath.  I am not ready to breakdown.  I am not ready to give up hope.  I can't! If I fall into this hole with him, we may never get out.  What good is it going to do us if we are both negative, and if we both give up?  None!  But honestly...I am not sure how much longer I can fight back the tears.  I just do not know how much longer I can hold off this major meltdown that is getting ready to take place....My body is starting to breakdown, and I feel like I am getting sick.  My head hurts, my stomach is always in knots, and I just feel weak.  I don't know how much longer I can fight, until it all comes crashing down....

Today's Journey: Rolling With the Punches...

09.24.12
Have you ever had something bad happen in your life, and the weight of it was overbearing?  Then after it happened it seemed like the negativity, the pressure, and the bad stuff just wouldn't go away?  Well that seems to be the story of my life lately.  I think that the song by Pistol Annies best fits this scenario, "Housewife's Prayer." Part of the song goes, "I've been thinking about setting my house on fire, can't see no way out of the mess I'm in, and the bills keep getting higher."  That is a perfect description of how I feel some days.  It just seems like life has this way of snowballing one bad thing on top of another.  My other half recently lost his job, well I guess I should explain in more detail.  He was fired, then got his job back.  Then the next day he quit, then he got his job back.  Then he found a new job- so he never went back.  Hope you are still following me.  SO he got a new job, and we were very excited.  It was not more money, but a step up in advancement, and the opportunity was much greater.  I was thrilled.  He had been unhappy for so long that it was just his time to get out of the place he was working and go somewhere new, fresh start.  Well that happiness lasted a whole day and a half when he realized that he was not comfortable, and afraid that he was  not going to pick up the new job fast enough.  I guess the store manager (a 24 year old kid) felt the same way and pretty much demoted him to a tech after a day and a half.  Well from that point on he was treated like an idiot and like he did not know what he was doing.  He worked 6 days that week getting treated like crap, and after long talks, and much debate he went back to work on Monday and was let go as soon as he walked in the door.  Back to the drawing board we went.

Another line in the song is "I been thinking about going off the deep end, my man can't get no overtime, and the baby ain't been sleeping." Another true statement for me.  I feel like I am going to lose my mind.  I am working full time, I have school work, the baby, my 10 year old, the household chores, and just life in general to deal with.  It has just been crazy.  I don't know what has kept me sane, but luckily I am pretty strong, and I have gotten through it.  I think I may still end up having or needing to just breakdown and get it out of my system.  But not yet......

Today's Journey: Finding the help.....

Where do you go to get help?  How do you find the answers? What do you do when you want to change and you just do not know where to start? These are the questions of the day.  From financial help, to help with weight loss, to help managing your time- where do we turn.  I am so tired of google-ing my questions and reading blog, after blog, after blog, trying to find the answers that everyone else seems to have.  Why is everything so difficult?  Why can't it just be easy?  I do not know where to turn.  I can't seem to get ahead with my finances.  Shit, half the time I can not afford to pay my bills.  I have a spiral notebook that I create a budget every 2 weeks.  But the main problem is- I do not follow it.  If I followed it to the "t" we could scrape by, but we are the epitome of living "paycheck to paycheck." And half of the time we are living paycheck to 2 paychecks away.  I just need some help getting caught up, I need help figuring out where I can make cuts, and yet still have a semi-normal life.  We do not go out, we do not drink, I mean we are "home-bodies." But yet we struggle.  Where can I get help?  I have no idea.

Then weight loss- I have tried it all, but then it leads up to the fact that I cannot afford to buy all healthy items.  We are living cheap, I mean pastas, pizza, and hot dogs.  The cheapest meals you can think of.  So what do I do to lose weight.  On top of that- where do I have the time?  I get up at 5:45am, I get ready for work, I get the baby ready for daycare, I get my daughter up and out the door for the bus.  I am out the door at 7am, I drop off the baby, and I go to work.  I am at work till 5pm, I pick up the baby we are home by 6pm.  We unpack the daily use bags, we start dinner, feed the baby, clean the kitchen, give the baby a bath, and then get him to bed usually between 8-9pm.  Then I take my shower, put on a load of laundry, and start my homework so I am to bed usually around 11pm.  And that is an easy night- when I do not have to stop for gas, or stop at the grocery store.

And that leads to the time management- who has the time to even figure out how to manage their time?  I know I don't.

Why does everything have to be so fricken hard?? How do we get through it?  And when do we get a break?  I guess we will get a break when we figure out how to give ourselves one....

Today's Journey: Deciphering the Hidden Code...

It just amazes me the hidden, secret code that spills out of people's mouths.  I call it bullshit excuses.  They call it, truth.  For some people it is always something.  Something bad happened, they had a hard day, they are tired, they partied too hard.  It is always something.  The car broke down, they don't have any money, blah, blah, blah.  It sounds like bullshit to me.  It sounds like they are looking for someone to feel sorry for them, they are looking for attention.  Why do people feel the need to make up excuses for EVERYTHING? Why can't they just call it like it is?  Just own up for your bullshit.  You spent too much money at the store, or you stayed up too late, or you didn't change the oil in the car and now the engine is fucked.

Own it people- let me tell you how to start, "I fucked up, I forgot to ___________, and now it is broken."

If I make a mistake I am the first one to admit it (unless it is to my significant other, he has to prove it :)).  I know that I spent too much last weekend at the grocery store, and I know that I should not have paid $20 for that mascara.  But you know what we deal with it and we move on.  Why is it always someone else's fault that you are a broke ass?  Why is there always an excuse as to why you can't get to work on time, or your bank account is overdrawn?  I am so sick of all the excuses!  Cowboy up people!  Grow a pair and say what you really think, or tell it like it really is! I am not perfect, by no means am I perfect, but I have no problem telling you that.  Why can't you?